Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
