Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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