you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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