Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
