i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
