These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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