the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize