what day is it and did you see me today?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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