I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
