I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
