I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
