did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
