I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
handjob tips. give me some.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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