shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I supernannyed him into submission
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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