Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
