So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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