His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
