One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
