Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
