I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize