So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
