he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
