i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
