i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
