either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
What a dumb baby whore.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
