I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
