Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
