you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
