weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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