I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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