the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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