I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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