i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
