I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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