i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can I color on your dick again?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
