Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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