I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
