i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
