Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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