Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
