thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
