remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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