Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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