I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
there's paper in my vomit.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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