i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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