I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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