coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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