First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
