It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize