Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
