My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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