RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You're like the curious george of whores
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
