as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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