I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
