In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize