On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
