this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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