new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
